Years ago there was an old man, a street person, who lived in a park near me
He was a crazy husk of a human and he carried many burdens
Packages of bound up newspapers and slabs of brown corrugated cardboard
These items were always carried and constantly adjusted by him even as
He walked, half stooped over, in circles on the hottest days and the coldest days
I do not wish to end up as he was so
I think I’ll give back some of the burdens of my life
From my childhood take my mother who was not in her right mind
Each day a cruel adventure that strangely she seemed to enjoy
Bright moments of her love were so rare as to appear as mirages
I give back all those school years when I felt forever an outsider
High school was just about the worst four years of my life
I give back my religious upbringing
It taught me to hate myself, to hate others and to fear God
Only by embracing a lie would I ever get membership into
The Club Of Heaven
I give back my life with two of the women I have known
The rest were kind to me
Take back the time when my dog got run over
Please take my father’s detachment
I believe he tried but it was not enough
And please take back the night of our first son’s death
No bittersweet poetic images of imagined possibilities
Will ever make up for my haunted soul all these years
Nothing could make his death worthwhile even as a learning experience
Take back this emerald city and what it has done to my past
Once upon a time it could be so much more than it is
But instead it settled for shining, stupid greed
Take back the anger of my youth
Take back my cruelty to others and to myself
A true regret I carry, I fear, to the end
Take back my shallowness to those who tried to love me
Take back my unkindness towards friends and strangers
Receive my dark pessimism and also my unbridled optimism
Each was without merit in the end
Take back most of my life and leave me spaces in between thoughts
May I not drag behind me parcels of unopened wishes and gifts of unknown things
Give me back the sunfish and the bright shining water
I stood on the bank of the river with my brother and father
And I watched the sunfish I held in my hand and
All that would come my way could be nothing but good
This amazing little life in my hand proved it
For I was a child and did not know better
And then I gently put my hand back into the river and
Watched as the sunfish swam away
Carrying nothing but the moment
Sign Language for Clowns 